Planning a Wedding- Divorced Parents

" I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married. "   

William Shakespeare's

Much Ado About Nothing

 Act 2, Scene 3

 

SURPRISE!

After all his protests against marriage my sweetheart proposed to me only a year and a half after we started dating, on a beautiful beach in Wilmington, NC!

So naturally at the end of our week long vacation on our drive back to Wisconsin I started wedding planning, even though we probably won't be getting married for another two to four years. One of the first things that came to mind was what we were going to do with our parents. Both of us are children of divorce, with differing animosity between our respective mothers and fathers.

My parents had a fairly long, drawn out, but amicable divorce. While my little sister and I are all grown up with no custody agreements to be made, my parents still share our two family dogs, and speak to each other and meet in person about once a week. They would have no problem sitting together and jointly participating in my wedding.

My fiance Aaron's parents however, had it a little messier. I won't go into details, but his mother has no tolerance for his father, or his new wife. While they both love Aaron very much and would do anything they could for him, we would never ask them to sit together or be involved in anything where they would have to be civil with one another. We want them both to be equally involved and represented at our wedding, but the traditional ceremony seating of the bride's family on one side and groom's on the other isn't feasible with our family situations.

This leads to my main dilemma: How to make our four separate parents feel equally honored at our wedding, without making anyone feel awkward or left out.

Our situation might be fairly unique from what I can tell from the amass of interwebz wedding-ness. All of our parents are equally important to us, and neither of us have any special connection with step parents, which I have found to be a more common problem. We also have a delicate situation with our grandparents. My mother's parents and my father's mother have some tension. Aaron's father's parents and Aaron's mother are also a little at odds, and most of his mother's family either won't be able to make it or won't be invited. After trolling all the traditional etiquette and modern wedding planning sites for inspiration and help with this problem, most of the advice fell into one of two general categories. Neither "Pick who you feel closest to to recognize, and ask the other to take a back seat" nor "If they really love you they will do whatever you ask" were going to work out for us.

So with some coffee and lots of names on cut-up paper slips, I set about trying to make my own plan.

Guide to reading my seating charts:

• BM= Bride's Mother
• BF= Bride's Father
• GF= Groom's Father
• GM=Groom's Mother
• GFW= Groom's Father's Wife
• BMG= Bride's Maternal Grandparents
• BPG= Bride's Paternal Grandmother
• GPG= Groom's Paternal Grandparents
• BPF= Bride's Paternal Extended Family Member
• BMF= Bride's Maternal Extended Family Member
• GWS= Groom's Father's Wife's Grandson (Being raised by Groom's Father &Wife)

The key components to my problem solving were these:

• No former couple sits next to each other
• No parent's parent(s) sit next to a former spouse's parent(s)
• Groom's mother does not feel left out with no additional family representative(s).

Below are all of the resulting drafts I made. Some did not work for our situation, but others may find it helpful. One theme we stuck with was moving his mother to the typical "bride" side, and my father to the "groom" side. This made it look like a gender thing, instead of a parents of the ______ on each side. This avoided any confusion of thinking my mom and his dad were a couple, or any variations on that idea.

Here we decided to only assign seating for our parents in the front row, and grandparents in the second, with just rows marked for additional family to fill in on their own.

Here we stuck with only our parents in the front row, with grandparents and specific extended family filling in the second and third rows with assigned sides and places.

This circle arrangement gives each parent their own section, so that they never have to talk to each other. The circle arrangement can also be very intimate being surrounded by friends and family, instead of at the front putting on a show for them. One general problem with this arrangement is that the officiant will have their pack to two sides, which can make those parents and family members feel somewhat left out. Another problem that is unique to Aaron and I, is that because his mother does not have family we expect to come she would be very isolated without friends and family sitting immediately by her.

Here I moved our grandparents to the front row, which I prefer. Some of them have mobility issues, and not only is the front row more accessible it makes them feel more honored.

This is what Aaron came up with when I asked for help. Very unique option and the circular pattern makes the ceremony far more intimate. This option does not reserve individual seats for family, allowing our parents to choose where they are comfortable with sitting and with whom. This arrangement also means that the officiant will have their back to half the guests, and the band will be blocking half as well.

Here I tweaked Aaron's arrangement, moving the band off to the side. There is still the problem of the officiant having his back to the guests.

While this isn't the cleanest image of this arrangement, this is what we have decided to go with for now. Our mothers on one side of the aisle, and fathers on the other. Grandparents get priority front row seating, and the rows are curved to imitate the circle effect to improve guest visibility and keep some of the intimacy of being surrounded by our friends and family. 

To further that feeling, we played with where we want the wedding party to stand. We placed the Maid of Honor and Best Man just off to the side of each of us, but then moved the groomsmen and bridesmaids to form semicircles around us. That was they can see us better than standing off in a line, and feel more included in the ceremony than just standing on the end against a wall.

Hopefully some of these plans will be helpful for those planning a wedding with divorced parents! Or else for those looking for some nontraditional seating plans. Everyone's parental situation is different, and not everything will work for everyone, but at least one of these may be a starting point for your ceremony seating. I created a dinner seating chart as well included below. For dinner I believe there is a lot more room to play around, as some people may find it boring to sit with the same families all the time. Don't be afraid to mix it up at dinner, and make your new in-laws sit together and chat! Most of your extended families won't see much of each other in all likelihood after your wedding anyway, so now's the time to force some interaction! Dinner plans will also vary by the shape and number of seats at each table. I've planned mine for circular tables seating six each.

I only made plans for family seating, and we are going to have free seating for all other guests.

 Whatever your family and future family-in-law situation, don't be afraid of breaking tradition. It is more important (to me at least) that my family feels comfortable enough to be happy and celebrate our wedding. Your wedding shouldn't be a time for divorcees to be reminded of or sulk over the end of their own marriages, but instead to celebrate your new happiness, reflect on their current relationships if they've moved on, and to be happy around the people you and they love.