Planning a Wedding- Divorced Parents

" I may chance have some odd quirks and remnants of wit broken on me, because I have railed so long against marriage: but doth not the appetite alter? a man loves the meat in his youth that he cannot endure in his age. Shall quips and sentences and these paper bullets of the brain awe a man from the career of his humour? No, the world must be peopled. When I said I would die a bachelor, I did not think I should live till I were married. "   

William Shakespeare's

Much Ado About Nothing

 Act 2, Scene 3

 

SURPRISE!

After all his protests against marriage my sweetheart proposed to me only a year and a half after we started dating, on a beautiful beach in Wilmington, NC!

So naturally at the end of our week long vacation on our drive back to Wisconsin I started wedding planning, even though we probably won't be getting married for another two to four years. One of the first things that came to mind was what we were going to do with our parents. Both of us are children of divorce, with differing animosity between our respective mothers and fathers.

My parents had a fairly long, drawn out, but amicable divorce. While my little sister and I are all grown up with no custody agreements to be made, my parents still share our two family dogs, and speak to each other and meet in person about once a week. They would have no problem sitting together and jointly participating in my wedding.

My fiance Aaron's parents however, had it a little messier. I won't go into details, but his mother has no tolerance for his father, or his new wife. While they both love Aaron very much and would do anything they could for him, we would never ask them to sit together or be involved in anything where they would have to be civil with one another. We want them both to be equally involved and represented at our wedding, but the traditional ceremony seating of the bride's family on one side and groom's on the other isn't feasible with our family situations.

This leads to my main dilemma: How to make our four separate parents feel equally honored at our wedding, without making anyone feel awkward or left out.

Our situation might be fairly unique from what I can tell from the amass of interwebz wedding-ness. All of our parents are equally important to us, and neither of us have any special connection with step parents, which I have found to be a more common problem. We also have a delicate situation with our grandparents. My mother's parents and my father's mother have some tension. Aaron's father's parents and Aaron's mother are also a little at odds, and most of his mother's family either won't be able to make it or won't be invited. After trolling all the traditional etiquette and modern wedding planning sites for inspiration and help with this problem, most of the advice fell into one of two general categories. Neither "Pick who you feel closest to to recognize, and ask the other to take a back seat" nor "If they really love you they will do whatever you ask" were going to work out for us.

So with some coffee and lots of names on cut-up paper slips, I set about trying to make my own plan.

Guide to reading my seating charts:

• BM= Bride's Mother
• BF= Bride's Father
• GF= Groom's Father
• GM=Groom's Mother
• GFW= Groom's Father's Wife
• BMG= Bride's Maternal Grandparents
• BPG= Bride's Paternal Grandmother
• GPG= Groom's Paternal Grandparents
• BPF= Bride's Paternal Extended Family Member
• BMF= Bride's Maternal Extended Family Member
• GWS= Groom's Father's Wife's Grandson (Being raised by Groom's Father &Wife)

The key components to my problem solving were these:

• No former couple sits next to each other
• No parent's parent(s) sit next to a former spouse's parent(s)
• Groom's mother does not feel left out with no additional family representative(s).

Below are all of the resulting drafts I made. Some did not work for our situation, but others may find it helpful. One theme we stuck with was moving his mother to the typical "bride" side, and my father to the "groom" side. This made it look like a gender thing, instead of a parents of the ______ on each side. This avoided any confusion of thinking my mom and his dad were a couple, or any variations on that idea.

Here we decided to only assign seating for our parents in the front row, and grandparents in the second, with just rows marked for additional family to fill in on their own.

Here we stuck with only our parents in the front row, with grandparents and specific extended family filling in the second and third rows with assigned sides and places.

This circle arrangement gives each parent their own section, so that they never have to talk to each other. The circle arrangement can also be very intimate being surrounded by friends and family, instead of at the front putting on a show for them. One general problem with this arrangement is that the officiant will have their pack to two sides, which can make those parents and family members feel somewhat left out. Another problem that is unique to Aaron and I, is that because his mother does not have family we expect to come she would be very isolated without friends and family sitting immediately by her.

Here I moved our grandparents to the front row, which I prefer. Some of them have mobility issues, and not only is the front row more accessible it makes them feel more honored.

This is what Aaron came up with when I asked for help. Very unique option and the circular pattern makes the ceremony far more intimate. This option does not reserve individual seats for family, allowing our parents to choose where they are comfortable with sitting and with whom. This arrangement also means that the officiant will have their back to half the guests, and the band will be blocking half as well.

Here I tweaked Aaron's arrangement, moving the band off to the side. There is still the problem of the officiant having his back to the guests.

While this isn't the cleanest image of this arrangement, this is what we have decided to go with for now. Our mothers on one side of the aisle, and fathers on the other. Grandparents get priority front row seating, and the rows are curved to imitate the circle effect to improve guest visibility and keep some of the intimacy of being surrounded by our friends and family. 

To further that feeling, we played with where we want the wedding party to stand. We placed the Maid of Honor and Best Man just off to the side of each of us, but then moved the groomsmen and bridesmaids to form semicircles around us. That was they can see us better than standing off in a line, and feel more included in the ceremony than just standing on the end against a wall.

Hopefully some of these plans will be helpful for those planning a wedding with divorced parents! Or else for those looking for some nontraditional seating plans. Everyone's parental situation is different, and not everything will work for everyone, but at least one of these may be a starting point for your ceremony seating. I created a dinner seating chart as well included below. For dinner I believe there is a lot more room to play around, as some people may find it boring to sit with the same families all the time. Don't be afraid to mix it up at dinner, and make your new in-laws sit together and chat! Most of your extended families won't see much of each other in all likelihood after your wedding anyway, so now's the time to force some interaction! Dinner plans will also vary by the shape and number of seats at each table. I've planned mine for circular tables seating six each.

I only made plans for family seating, and we are going to have free seating for all other guests.

 Whatever your family and future family-in-law situation, don't be afraid of breaking tradition. It is more important (to me at least) that my family feels comfortable enough to be happy and celebrate our wedding. Your wedding shouldn't be a time for divorcees to be reminded of or sulk over the end of their own marriages, but instead to celebrate your new happiness, reflect on their current relationships if they've moved on, and to be happy around the people you and they love.

Health Alternatives, Myths, and Scams

First off, I'd like to make it clear that I am not a doctor, nurse, physicians assistant, or have any other medical degree. I do have a bachelors in interpersonal communication, focusing on health care, and I am continuing to study it more in depth while working on a masters in health communication.

I am not an expert. I do however, try to use some common sense and learn and research as much as possible to find new information when it comes to health care. Lately with all of the facebook, pinterest, and other social media sites a buzz with 'secret remedies evil drug companies don't want you to know about' I've been doing even more searching, and I'd like to debunk a few of these 'natural alternatives' that piss me off.

Gluten
Going gluten free is something that mom's everywhere are pushing onto everyone. Supposedly, going gluten free makes you more alert, gives you increased energy, makes you more capable of learning, and all around snobbier. Research says: Unless you have Celiac's disease, going gluten free has no health benefits.

Celiac's disease is something you are born with. If you have Celiac's disease it means that from birth, you are unable to eat gluten without going into anaphylaxis. Anaphylaxis is the medical term for your airways constricting to the point you are suffocating. This means that you cannot process gluten   at all, and that if you even try you will stop breathing. Completely. There is no such thing as a 'gluten sensitivity' where it's just harder for you to process it. It doesn't exist. If you're saying "but I cut out gluten and I feel so much better!" that is because of one of two things. Number one, the standard placebo effect. It's been proven to work far more than cutting out gluten. People take sugar pills and lose weight because they think it will help them lose weight. Cutting out gluten, because you're changing your eating behavior, makes you think you must be losing weight, and so you do.

The second reason it may help lose weight is because cutting out gluten usually means you're cutting down on carbs. This diet change has been proven to have many health benefits like weight loss and increased energy, because the foods people replace carbs with, such as ones high in protein, are typically easier to break down into energy. This has been tried and tested many times and has been shown to work for many people. Limiting carbs, not gluten specifically, is what makes you feel better. Eating the same amount of carbs that are gluten free as you were before you switched shows little weight loss, and usually weight gain instead. These substitutes are typically higher in fat content and will in no way help you lose weight or feel better. If cutting out gluten makes it easier for you to cut carbs, go for it. But cutting out gluten for the sake of it is in no way beneficial. You're missing out on lots of minerals people typically get from foods that tend to contain gluten. There is nothing wrong with gluten as a substance. Humans have evolved over hundreds of years to be able to process all kinds of foods, and gluten was an easy one. It's normal for your body.

Honey and Cinnamon
There's a facebook post that's been going around for a while about the secret benefits of honey and cinnamon, claiming to cure everything from acne to cancer to the common cold. Some of these cures work, but most do not. While taking a little honey and cinnamon every day isn't going to hurt to try, research it before you try to cure brain tumors and heart disease without a doctor's help.

One of the reasons people claim that it works to cure things like influenza and colds is because honey contains natural antibiotics. This is true, it does. So does garlic and several other foods. Before you start squirting honey or garlic juice in your ear to fix an earache or sinus infection, understand that there are not enough antibiotics in any of these foods on their own to fight off bacteria that has taken hold in your body. Raw, unprocessed honey contains enough antibiotics to keep bacteria from growing in it, but for it to work in a human you would have to have veins running with honey. Also, these posts typically say that once you start feeling sick you should take a spoonful of honey until you feel better, usually around 3-4 days. If this works for you, you had a VIRAL infection, not a bacteria, and would have gotten better on your own in the same amount of time. Colds are viral infections, not bacterial, so even if there were enough antibiotics in honey to cure a bacterial infection, it would not work on a cold. Your body is strong enough to fight a lot of these things on its own. It's awesome like that.

There are some things that honey and cinnamon will work on, like your skin. Both ingredients contain exfoliators, antioxidents, and moisturizers that are all beneficial for skin care. This combination has also been shown to reduce inflamation in many people. Some of these tests are still inconclusive, but overall showing some positive results for people with arthritis pain, gout, and other regular inflamation even including heartburn, skin rashes, and even gas. It's not going to work on a swollen ankle or bruise because your body can heal those things on its own before the honey and cinnamon have a chance to start working. While it hasn't been shown to work for everyone, it can't really hurt to try for problems like this.

One of the reasons this post bothers me it because of the way it paints drug companies, scientists, and health care in general. It implies that every human being working in this field is so unethical and uncaring that they would conceal cancer treatments and allow people to die simply because they want to willingly deceive the public to make a profit. Yes, there are people out there like this, but do you really believe that the entire scientific community and every single health care practitioners are this way? Or that medical schools have conspired and fabricated western medicine to such an extent? Do you really think any one group of people are capable of keeping these secrets for so long?

Detoxes
There are tons of spas and drug stores offering detox foot baths or pads, drinks, or pills that claim to detox your system to help you lose weight and feel better. The best you can get out of these things is a fancy footbath and diarrhea. The latter can sometimes be good if you've been having digestive issues, but if you are able to eat and poop normally and regularly without pain or other side effects, your body is detoxing you naturally. It does it on its own. Human beings did not get to where we are now by evolving without a natural waste-detox system built in.

The foot pads and baths are all a scam. The pads that are sold in drug stores are designed to use different pads on the bottom of your feet in a claim that they pull toxins out of your body. These were proven to be a scam and pulled from the market at least for a while. The way they showed they were 'working' was by turning different colors after you had them on to show all the toxins they pulled out. Then, as you used them for several days or weeks, they would turn lighter colors to show you have fewer toxins now. In reality, the different pads were made with chemicals that when exposed to oxygen in the air for a certain amount of time they would turn colors. Then, the pads you would use successively would contain less amounts of these chemicals. Other pads contain teas that soak up sweat from your feet to turn colors to show you the toxins.

The foot baths at spas or sold for home use have also been proven to be a scam. They use the same kinds of oxidation chemicals to show your 'toxins' being washed away. All they are is a fancy, expensive foot bath. None of these things hurt you, so if you feel better doing it, as most of us do with a nice foot soak, you might as well, but a tub full of warm soapy water will do the exact same thing.

As far as detox pills and drinks and diets, these can be more harmful and you should be careful of any that are too severe. Most of them contain diuretics and laxatives that flush water and poop out of you quickly. The myth that the average person is holding 15 lbs of waste in them at any one time is false. If you have constipation problem or gastrointestinal issues, then you may be one of these extreme cases, and you should talk to your doctor if you're concerned.

Most of the time however, your body is pretty good at flushing out any toxins. That's why we're able to eat things like gluten, overcome viruses, and poop by ourselves. Congratulations, your body is more awesome than you thought! I'll leave you with my favorite video on the subject, created by Australian comedian Tim Minchin, with some suggestions about natural medicine and other life lessons.

12 Days of Christmas Gifts!

The Christmas Spirit can get a little tiring and irritating after a while. Gift giving can get complicated, frusterating, and expensive. Almost immediately after Thanksgiving I started my giving lists for everyone. Several weeks of online shopping later I think I've finally gotten everything done. Even with the economy and being a brake graduate student I think I've gotten more for people this year than last year. Perhaps it only feels that way since I have my boyfriend's family Christmas to prepare for as well. Either way the piles of presents just keep building!

Earlier this fall I got all kinds of ideas for decorating and gifts after finally joining Pinterest. While I haven't been quite as excited as I normally am this time of year, I still wanted to do something special for a couple of people around me. Pinterest gets credit for the idea of giving 12 Days of Christmas gifts! I came up with some of my own ideas for each of the days though. I did two different versions, one for my boyfriend, and one for my roomate. I tried to keep it little and inexpensive, while still doing something fun for each day.

Boyfriend version: Number Themed Gifts

First Day:

Any one single item he needed. In this case, a chef knife! Aaron somehow managed to break his chef knife off at the blade. Don't ask me how, but he did! Before he managed to do that I was debating giving one more expensive nice gift from the regular Christmas presents I was getting him, but I felt like this worked better.

Second Day:
Think pairs! Remember I said this was Pinterest inspired? I made him two hand-warmers. Perfect for walking to class in the winter or taking to the range on a cold day!

Third Day:
Threes were a harder one. I ended up just getting him a set of three nice pens. Kind of boring, but I was running out of ideas for odd days after a while!

Fourth Day:
Four extra long undershirts. Aaron is tall, and has difficulty finding undershirts that stay tucked in under his uniform top. A while ago we were out shopping and he was looking for extra long/tall sized undershirts but we couldn't find any. So when I saw these extra long top rated undershirts on Amazon I snapped them up!

Fifth Day:
Again, odd days are harder. Another slightly boring idea, but I got him one of each of the five flavors of chapstick he likes! He, like the rest of us, always ends up losing his chapstick before it runs out, so I wanted to restock his supply especially during the dry winter months.

Sixth Day:
This one was a no-brainer. A six pack will make most men happier than any crafty creation! I wanted to make it at least a little bit special so I went where I could do a mix-your-own six pack with some unique but delicious sounding beers!

Seventh Day:
This one took me a while, but eventually the perfect idea dawned on me, Jack Daniel's Old No. 7 Whiskey! Aaron's more of a gin drinker, but I think he'll like it anyway.

Eighth Day:
His favorite coffee is sold in 8oz packages from a local coffee shop! 

Ninth Day:
I couldn't come up with anything special for 9, so I gave him 9 packs of ramen, because his specialty breakfast recipe is his own creation of the Romelete!

Tenth Day:
Smart Touch gloves, for his 10 fingers! Gloves compatable for using his iPhone. He loves his leather gloves, but these are useful for when he's driving and using his GPS.

Eleventh Day:
Oceans Eleven on BluRay. He just got a bluray player and loves action movies!

Twelfth Day:
A pack of twelve golf balls. Over the summer he kept mentioning that he wanted to learn how to golf, and now he has an excuse!

Roommate Version: Bird/Character themed gifts.

First Day:
Bottle of Pear Cider. My roommate loves cider as she doesn't drink bear. Pear cider is sweeter than hard apple cider, and one of her favorite kinda comes in a large wine-sized bottle. This was a cheat right off the bat, as I tried to say it was 'No Partridge but a Pear Treat'. Not perfect, but I had nothing else!

Second Day:
 Turtle(d) Dove's. Pinterest find! Take pretzels, place Dove chocolate on top, and place in warm (not hot) oven until they get melty enough to squish a little bit. Place a walnut or pecan on top of the chocolate and smoosh into the pretzel. Then place in the fridge or freezer to harden the chocolate again. Simple but yummy!

Third Day:
French custard tarts. French hens would be a bit much, but making a few egg custard tarts was simple enough and a yummy breakfast for me!

Fourth Day:
Four calling birds. So I got her this owl phone case from Modcloth! Calling-bird, get it? Get it?

Fifth Day:
Gold rings, or earrings! I just bought her a few cute pairs of gold earrings.

Sixth Day:
Geese a laying- I wanted to get six chocolate eggs, like the Cadbury cream eggs, but I can't find ANYTHING even close to that at all the stores around here! In the end I got Lindt white chocolate truffles that look almost like eggs.

Seventh Day:
Swans a swimming was hard! Eventually I found a Swan brand wine. Sarah doesn't like red though, so I got her a light chardonay.

Eighth Day:
Maids a milking. I got her some latte's similar to the Starbucks Frappacinos you can get from most grocery stores.

Ninth Day:
Nine Ladies Dancing was sort of hard. I thought about getting her some shoes, or some music, or   something, but I ended up getting a Zumba DVD! 

Tenth Day:
Ten Lords a Leaping. Best I could come up withe was Princess and the Frog. She's not super into Disney, but if you have a better idea let me know!!

Eleventh Day:
Eleven Pipers Piping. Best I got was Piper Nail polish. She likes painting her nails a lot, so I thought it was useful!

Twelfth Day:
Twelve drummers drumming. Drumstick IceCream! Had to buy it ahead of time, so I gift wrapped it and stuck it in the freezer with a Do Not Open Until Dec 25th note attached!!

Now I know traditionally the Twelve Days of Christmas start on the 25th, but I was going to be away with my family during that time. So instead I did it the twelve days leading up to Christmas Day. I think they both liked getting little things ahead of time especially as most of the time was during finals week at our Uni. 

Any advice for more creative gifts for next year would be wonderful!